I am hiding with hot chocolate and What Not to Wear while the boys are playing in their room. Trust me, I don’t do this very often. I just needed some space after our trek to the library for story time.
I think I have a week’s worth of blog posts from that trip.
I kid you not!
Here’s the short version: Feel like I’m pulling teeth to get boys out the door. Walk to library since we don’t have a car today. Surprise ourselves and get there with time to spare. Meatball is not interested. Period. Fine, we’ll look for books and hang out. Dr. J mentions that maybe we should leave because it looks like rain is coming. Check out books, give Meatball last chance, he falls apart. Leave. Beat the rain home. Give boys snack and hide.
Between hanging out and leaving, one other mom had a resistant child. She had a little girl and an infant, as well as a stroller. Finally, her daughter lost it. Screaming and all.
This story time is for kids only, and the moms wait in the library. The moms who were sitting around waiting for story time to end–some reading, some chatting with each other–got pretty quiet. I was waiting for someone to say something to her about her child’s behavior, but they didn’t. I did here, “I think she’s ready to go home.” That could be down-the-nose or empathetic, so we’ll give the benefit of the doubt and go for empathetic.
When this started, the mom was holding her infant and trying to encourage her daughter. Once the screaming started, the poor lady walked around the edge of the library with stroller and screaming preschooler and struggled to get out the door. I wanted to go help her, but I couldn’t leave the boys, one of whom was having his own issues.
Here’s my question, and maybe next time I’ll get bold enough to ask it (in a nice way, of course!).
There were two grandmothers sitting on a bench chatting about vacations. Two other mothers were each standing separately, reading or holding books. Those are just the ones within the vicinity. Why didn’t they offer to help her get out the door?
I am really hoping for a discussion here. Yes, I confess I’m feeling a tad judgmental and I’m trying to leave that behind. I really want to know why we don’t help other people in public.
Why not offer to unload groceries for an elderly gentleman or lady, or someone who is dealing with a physical challenge?
Why don’t we say, “Can I push the stroller for you so you can carry your toddler?”
Why don’t we walk over and open the door?
The scenarios are endless.
I’m guessing my pre-mom self would not have offered help, not having been there. Now that I’m a mom AND a mom of a special needs child, I see things in a different way. But maybe I’m being unreasonable.
Are others afraid they will embarrass the lady by calling further attention to her? Is it taboo? Isn’t there a way to offer help that comes across as genuine and not judgmental?
So, I look forward to a discussion in the comments, if you would indulge me. I’m not ignoring matters of safety. I’m just wondering why we don’t offer to help more often.
September 25, 2012 at 4:32 PM
Good questions. Personally, I think it all boils down to comfort zones. Right or wrong, we all have our own set of boundaries we adhere to, and it takes a special kind of person to step out of his/her own little box in order to open the doors of opportunity for someone else. I admit that I am not always that special person, but I am working on it. I want to do what Jesus what do in these types of situations.
September 25, 2012 at 5:00 PM
I think you have something here, Victoria. And as I’m reading your comment, I want to add that I do not always help either. I’m just wondering why we don’t. Thanks for being the first to join in my conversation!
September 25, 2012 at 5:06 PM
I have no answers because I question this right along with you. I just don’t understand it. Of course, that means that I am the odd ball who offers to help moms in this sort of situation– or the older lady/ gentleman in the store, or the petit woman who can’t reach items on the top shelf in the store. And the other members of my family seem to merely put up with the moments that I mildly embarrass them.
My mother and grandmother always helped strangers in public, so I just find it normal.
I’d love to understand this better. I really can’t relate at all, so I honestly would like to understand how other people think in these situations.
September 25, 2012 at 6:49 PM
Connie, funny you mention the petite lady who can’t reach the top shelf. I’ve done that before since I’m pretty tall. And, I’ve had my oldest offer help to folks in motorized carts in the grocery store when they can’t quite reach or it’s so much easier for him. And do you know what a lot of them have done? Given him money! I just let them because it makes these grandmas happy to give a little boy treat money, but I tell him that’s not why we do it. :)
September 25, 2012 at 5:13 PM
Actually, it does happen, people do help. However, they didn’t in the situation you mentioned, but they should! Here is my daughter’s story… she sent this via text the other day… (warning, long!)
The scenario went something like this…”Went to library with the 5 kids (one is 4 weeks) — note to self — don’t go without my husband… Get Alex into the stroller, a feat unto itself, baby is in the carrier until I notice that Will forgot his shoes and the car shoes for purposes such as these are no where to be found. Get Alex out of the stroller and Will into the stroller. Notice Alex needs a diaper change. Finally, get in the door! Girls (6 & 5) settled with books, Alex (2) wants to pull books off the shelf and and Will (3) wants me to read to him. I get the books we need and think maybe I have time to read the boys a quick story, baby wakes up and starts screaming. I quickly attempt to “self-checkout” since the line is long while the girls…being told we are leaving, decide to finish the puzzle someone left on the table. All the while I’m calmly asking the girls to come and trying to check out. Not to worry, I have Alex (2) helping me with the auto checkout so it only takes twice as long. The nice librarian (the point of this story) comes over and helps me to check out, and get the books into my bag. So sweet! As I am hooking the bag to the stroller, and the girls finally make it over, guess what happens? Yes, the bag breaks. This entire time the baby is screaming and we quickly, each carry some books and are out the door as quickly as we can muster. A day in my life.”
I’ve been there, I think every mother has a screaming child story. And, maybe the librarians have an encounter with many each day. I don’t know. But, I agree we need to at least offer to help if at all possible!
September 25, 2012 at 6:51 PM
Felice, you can tell your daughter she is my hero for going to the library with all of the kids! So glad she had a helping hand offered!
September 25, 2012 at 6:11 PM
I guess one reason I would be reluctant to help is not knowing how the other mother would react. Once I just smiled at a mom and her kids and waved at her oldest one that was smiling at me and she rudely said something to the effect of don’t talk to my kids or what are you looking at. Maybe she was having a bad day but after that it would be hard to help someone in need for fear they might just snap at you and treat you terrible.
September 25, 2012 at 6:47 PM
I was wondering if that was part of it, Michelle. You do never know how someone would respond.
September 25, 2012 at 8:13 PM
In the case you describe above, I would absolutely try to help if I can. I preface that by sometimes if I have my kids I may not be able to help (especially as my son is what I commonly call a “bolter” so I keep a very close eye on him).
However, I’m also one that will pick up toys thrown from other shopping carts, restaurant tables, and whatnot. It’s who I am. *shrug*
September 25, 2012 at 10:20 PM
You made me laugh. I pick up stuff on the floor in the store so it won’t get run over by the cart! (See prior post about being a recovering first born rule-following people pleaser…)
September 26, 2012 at 9:09 AM
I used to be very judgmental when I would see screaming or misbehaving children in public. Now that I’m a foster mom I am much more sympathetic to others situations and I try to help as much as I can. Sometimes I think people are empathetic to others in situations they themselves have experienced and if they haven’t had those experiences maybe they are less likely to help.
September 26, 2012 at 5:25 PM
Good point, Amanda.
September 26, 2012 at 9:33 AM
I have helped other moms in the past. Usually I start out with “How can I help?” and follow with “You look like you could use an extra hand right now, and I have two!” If the mom says “No thank you.” then I don’t push it.
I’ve found the “super mommies” don’t like to have help, the “martyr mommies” don’t like to have help either, it disrupts their martyr status. (Yes, I said that!) But more often than not, offering to carry a diaper bag or distract one child with a goofy song or hand play game (patty cake) so the mommy can focus on the other child for a second or two is well received.
I do agree with some of the other comments though, you need to asses the situation first and make sure the mom wants help first.
September 26, 2012 at 5:26 PM
I love that second sentence! Thanks for sharing.
December 18, 2012 at 12:27 PM
Jenny, I think a lot of it has to do with the feeling that it’s “her” problem to deal with. It’s not theirs, and they don’t want to be accused of getting involved when she doesn’t want them to. That said, you’re right. As parents, we recognize when another set of hands would be appreciated.
There are wonderful people out there though. When I had 3 kids under the age of 4, people would be wonderful about offering to help carry food trays, open doors and clean up messes when we were out. :)