I know this post will be a bit different for Autism Awareness Month, but I really feel like there are people out there who need what I needed. Encouragement. Strength. Hope.

If you’ve read my About page, you know why I write candidly here. The point is to help someone else. Believe it or not, I don’t throw everything out on the screen. It may seem like I do, but I don’t.

The economy has been bad everywhere, but in Michigan, we’ve been at the bottom of the totem pole. Our family has faced two lay offs. That means we’ve been dealing with money issues for a long time, like a lot of people.

That can wear a body out.

Autism can wear a body out, too. Not only the body of the person who has it, but also the caregiver body. As some have already commented on posts or stated in posts, you feel like a failure many days. What could you have done better to help your child? Why are they on the floor–screaming, kicking, crying–again? Where did you go wrong? Should you have tried yet another therapy or treatment?

So, I have been tired for a long time. Tired inside my soul and bones. Tired such that some days I cry about the stupidest things (don’t tell my kids I just used that word!). My Bible reading was pretty much in Psalms, Matthew 6 (I am worth more than a sparrow.), and Philipians 4 (“Whatever is true…”).

About a week or so ago I decided I needed to read somewhere else in my Bible, to try to act like a normal person instead of someone holding on by their finger nails. But what? I didn’t have the brain capacity for deep study. I thought about it for a while, and decided I would spend some time reading about my Savior. I would read about Jesus in one of the Gospels. I decided on Mark because it tells about what Jesus did, His miracles.

God was guiding me, and I didn’t know it yet.

I have The Power of a Praying Woman Bible with notes from Stormie O’Martian. In the middle of Mark chapter 4 between some parables, she has a note titled “Waiting in the Wings.” She says, “Has it ever seemed like you are waiting in the wings for the next scene of your life? . . . Waiting for things to change? Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for life to get back to normal. Waiting for more time or money.” Had she been watching me?

She continues, “We don’t like waiting. We want action. But God says waiting can be good, because that’s how we learn patience. . . . We can’t have patience, however, without the waiting. And God says we need patience because it will make us ultimately complete. That’s because patience is one of the attributes of God. When we are patient, we are like Him. When we are being tested, or feel like we are walking in the wilderness, part of what we are learning is to be patient.”

I’m in the wilderness. I’m trying to be patient. I ask God to help me go on. I had never thought of that aspect, though. That learning patience is becoming more like God. Don’t ask me why.

Stormie continues, “I’ve found that it’s best to view these waiting times by thinking of them as times of waiting on the Lord. . . . It’s much easier to think about waiting on God than it is to be patient with your circumstances. Waiting on the Lord gives you the sense that something is going on–only you just can’t see it. . . . Going through a waiting period doesn’t mean there is nothing happening, because when you are waiting on the Lord, He is always moving in your life.”

Wow. If you need to, like I did, read that again. Those thoughts gave me strength. Strength to look at my situation in a new light. Strength to fight panic. Strength to try again. I was so thankful I found, well I guess I should say, I was thankful God led me to this note in the middle of Jesus’ parables. I read it every day for quite a few days.

Then I came to Mark chapter 5. I will give you just a little bit of background story. In Mark chapter 5, Jesus is making his way around, and someone comes to tell him that a ruler’s daughter is deathly sick. He moves to help this family, and as he does a crowd slows him down, and a woman who has been bleeding for twelve years touches just the edge of his cloak, hoping for healing. He stops to talk to her and heal her, and in the process, time passes. The father is waiting, but the daughter dies.

I just realized–there’s that waiting again.

People tell Jesus, “Don’t bother coming. She’s dead.” He continues towards the home. He tells the father,

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.” (NIV, for those of you wondering)

He goes into the home and heals the daughter, brings her back to life. He tells the family to get her food, and he continues on his way. And he left me a new verse to cling to. “Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

Now, before you slap me and say, “That’s it? Just believe?” Let me explain. God knows me. He knows I’m a recovering worrier. He knows I’ve been living in fear for a long time, even when I am not thinking about it. He knows I needed a new encouragement from Him. He gave me that simple verse. “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” He gave me that note about waiting. So it looks more like this….

“Don’t be afraid, just believe. Believe I am working behind the scenes. Believe I am strong enough. Believe I am your heavenly Father and I will take care of you. Believe that, though you may not see it, you may not understand, I am here. I am working things out for your good and My glory. I love you, Child.”

Sunday we all got to go to church together. That’s rare because of my husband’s job. This Sunday the music was centered around God’s care for us, His love for us, the strength and comfort He can give. I cried. Seriously–look at these words from a song in the bulletin:

“I run to Christ when chased by fear and find a refuge sure. ‘Believe in me,’ His voice I hear; His words and wounds secure. I run to Christ when torn by grief and find abundant peace. ‘I too had tears,’ He gently speaks; thus joy and sorrow meet. I run to Christ when worn by life…” (“I Run to Christ” by Chris Anderson & Greg Habegger)

I cried because God had taken time to give me these three things together–wait, believe, I’m here. God was reaching out to His weary child, giving her hope. He was taking time out of holding the universe together to show me, that He cares for me.

I know this post has been a bit long, but I really feel like, as I said before, there is someone else who needs this encouragement. So I have laid my soul out there, hoping someone else will be blessed by God’s comfort. When life gets too hard, when autism beats you down, you, too, can run to Christ.

You can steal my verse if you want. “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” It’s my new mantra, but I’ll share.

Stop by later for Treatment Tuesday and a mom’s discussion of why she decided to try a gluten-free/casein-free diet for her son’s autism.